Useless Superpowers

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  1. Niells: "Superglue Snot" July 18, 2002
  2. Hebazz: "Extraordinarily Long Arm Hair " July 18, 2002
  3. Bing Cherry: "Masticating Ears" July 18, 2002
  4. Flan: "Abnormally Oversized Tail for Swatting Rock Projectiles Hurled by Frightened Local Natives" July 19, 2002
  5. Flan: "Ability to manage deleterious confusion through paranormal elucidation" July 19, 2002
  6. Flan: "Ability to Defibrillate" July 20, 2002
  7. Niells: "Immeasurable Grumpiness" July 21, 2002
  8. Niells: "Immeasurable Grumpies" July 21, 2002
  9. Niells: "Stain-free Eyebrows" July 29, 2002
  10. Niells: "The ability to turn any event into something royally mundane" July 29, 2002
  11. Niells: "Perfect immunity to Strain-F(-) Group M of the Iconga-Rothmalfeasian anal fungus common to planets orbiting N98567 of the relatively distant galaxy M742" July 29, 2002
  12. Niells: "The ability to float in corn-oil" July 29, 2002
  13. Niells: "Instinctive knowledge of the word for 'gutter-ball' in every known language" July 29, 2002
  14. Niells: "Very Very Slippery Left Heel" July 29, 2002
  15. Niells: "Miraculously quick-growing toe-nails" July 29, 2002
  16. Flan: "Quadruple-Jointed Fibula" August 14, 2002
  17. Flan: "Super Snapping Snifferific Nose Snakes" August 14, 2002
  18. Flan: "The ability to have uncontrollable, horribly toxic bowel movements at inopportune moments" August 14, 2002
  19. Flan: "The ability to eavesdrop on all knitting circles in greater south-east Omaha" August 14, 2002
  20. The Guys: "The ability to breathe mayonnaise" August 15, 2002
  21. The Guys: "The ability to swim in granite" August 15, 2002
  22. The Guys: "Interchangeable arms and legs" August 15, 2002
  23. The Guys: "The ability to sleep past 2 p.m." August 15, 2002
  24. The Guys: "The ability to shoot blood out of your eyes" August 15, 2002
  25. The Guys: "The ability to vomit-up any organ, at any time" August 15, 2002
  26. The Guys: "Aahhh, I see you use drugs, you transmogrified mutant" August 15, 2002
  27. The Guys: "The ability to suck other people’s toes" August 15, 2002
  28. The Guys: "The ability to peer into the darkness of the direction of one’s own brain" August 15, 2002
  29. The Guys: "Transmogrifiable birthmark" August 15, 2002
  30. The Guys: "Super-fast growing fingernails" August 15, 2002
  31. The Guys: "The ability to type Arabic" August 15, 2002
  32. The Guys: "Acid proof urinary tract" August 15, 2002
  33. The Guys: "The ability to sink in saltwater" August 15, 2002
  34. The Guys: "Detergenty sweat the keeps clothes smelling fresh" August 15, 2002
  35. The Guys: "Super small cranium that fits in keyholes" August 15, 2002
  36. The Guys: "The ability to eat an entire box of corn starch thanks to salacious salavatory glands" August 15, 2002
  37. The Guys: "Reversible ears" August 15, 2002
  38. The Guys: "The ability to have nightmarish hallucinations at will" August 15, 2002
  39. The Guys: "The ability to psychokinetically move one’s left leg and three fingers on the left hand" August 15, 2002
  40. The Guys: "The ability to put on perfect lipstick, without a smudge" August 15, 2002
  41. The Guys: "The ability to immediately locate the letter “z” on any manuscript" August 15, 2002
  42. The Guys: "Immunity to the dreaded 'puppy breath'" August 15, 2002
  43. The Guys: "The ability to conjure balsa wood at will" August 15, 2002
  44. The Guys: "Quick-actin’ Tenactin™ Snot" August 15, 2002
  45. The Guys: "Preparation H for blood" August 15, 2002
  46. The Guys: "The ability to spank one’s self over one’s own knee" August 15, 2002
  47. The Guys: "The ability to burp the smell of sausage" August 15, 2002
  48. The Guys: "The ability to defecate on command" August 15, 2002
  49. jo: "never have to piss" August 15, 2002
  50. Niells: "Have to Piss, Alot" August 15, 2002
  51. Lomuto: "The ability to know when every known event in your life has also occured on the Simpsons." August 15, 2002
  52. Lomuto: "The ability to take a perfectly happy woman...and piss her off...royally." August 15, 2002
  53. Lomuto: "The ability to pinpoint the exact moment Flan contracts the South American Skin Hiv" August 15, 2002
  54. D: "The ability to bite one's own fingernails to the shortest length imaginable" August 15, 2002
  55. Flan: "Sixth sense-type ability to recognize a person who should spend the rest of their lives devoted to furthering the science of clown shoes" August 15, 2002
  56. D: "The ability to spontaneously lose one's lunch and slam a Sam Adams 3.6 seconds later... (you know who you are) H..." August 15, 2002
  57. Big L: "Sensing harmful bacteria on Mexican food in the State of West Virginia" August 16, 2002
  58. Big L: "The ability to leave the State of West Virginia" August 16, 2002
  59. Flan: "The ability to replicate the complex sounds and intricate motions of the mating ritual of the 3-toed, hairless African sloth" August 16, 2002
  60. D: "The ability to waste hours sitting around thinking up useless superpowers" August 19, 2002
  61. Hebazz: "al ability to cook the goat with merely the amount of camel spit fitting in the hand of the small girl" August 19, 2002
  62. Zazou: "the ability to eat pork without going to hell" August 20, 2002
  63. Flan: "Exploding Genitals" August 20, 2002
  64. Flan: "'Suck and Cut' Head Orifice" August 20, 2002
  65. Flan: "Vacuum bag bladder, refills available" August 20, 2002
  66. Flan: "Super-Insomnia, ensuring hellish existence" August 20, 2002
  67. Flan: "Low blood pressure activated, automatically deployed Slaughter Spikes, instantly creating 10 foot diameter abattoir, in a relaxed setting with soothing sounds of the rainforest" August 20, 2002
  68. Eric Lopp: "The gift of making bread mold at an accelrated rate and use that mold for penecillin purposes." August 20, 2002
  69. Lopp: "detachable penis" August 20, 2002
  70. Niells: "Virulent Petri Dish Eyelids" August 20, 2002
  71. Niells: "'Suck and Cut' Anything" August 20, 2002
  72. Niells: "Everything Smells Like Butter" August 20, 2002
  73. Niells: "John Holmes-like left nostril" August 20, 2002
  74. Niells: "Vertigo, Always" August 20, 2002
  75. Niells: "Belches that sound like a flushing toilet" August 20, 2002
  76. Niells: "Squid-like tenticles that flutter at random intervals from the 'Suck and Cut' Head Oriface" August 20, 2002
  77. Niells: "Ultra creepy personality that earns you the nickname 'The Creep'" August 20, 2002
  78. Hebazz: "Remarkably Quick Healing Fleshy Head" August 21, 2002
  79. Niells: "The ability to 'slam-dunk' one's own head onto an NCAA regulation net" August 21, 2002
  80. Big L: "Transformation of your whole body into any one internal organ." August 21, 2002
  81. Big L: "Ability to prey on weak ignorant people by use of an ultra-cold heart of darkness that brings evil and horrible squishy death to any and all that deny that butterflies are cuter than moths." August 21, 2002
  82. Big L: "Ability to understand why dogs eat the unmentionable." August 21, 2002
  83. Captain Volleyball: "Ching tau moy hi mi tang chow, shit i'm telling you, hee ting choi sow lee toing toy, you'd better believe me." August 21, 2002
  84. Flan: "Rainman-like social behavior" August 21, 2002
  85. Flan: "Forever dry throat, exacerbating the power of permanent coughing" August 21, 2002
  86. Flan: "Velveeta Cheese Teeth" August 21, 2002
  87. Flan: "Extremely Dangerous 3rd Metatarcel" August 21, 2002
  88. Flan: "Extraordinarily long inner-ear for super-slow hearing" August 21, 2002
  89. Flan: "Non-vibrating occular bones" August 21, 2002
  90. Lomuto: "Ability to staple a really thick document with an ordinary stapler" August 21, 2002
  91. Lomuto: "Ability to recognize 'attempted Darwinism'" August 21, 2002
  92. Niells: "The ability to smell a tiny bag of coffee beans carefully hidden in a burlap sack of cocaine" August 21, 2002
  93. Name Big L: "Flamable Snot" August 21, 2002
  94. Niells: "Snot, Alot" August 21, 2002
  95. Niells: "Lumpy abrasive flesh that leaves your tub and toilet seat sparkling clean." August 22, 2002
  96. Clab: "The ability to untangle any knot with your eyebrows." August 23, 2002
  97. Clab: "The ability to blatently describe pussy hemroids to every girl you meet." August 23, 2002
  98. Niells: "Blood that is absolutely intoxicating to mosquitos." August 23, 2002
  99. Niells: "Goat Pheromone armpit glands that attract grazers from within a 9.4 mile radius. " August 23, 2002
  100. Flan: "Spring-loaded spleen" August 23, 2002
  101. Flan: "Rumpleforeskin" August 23, 2002
  102. Lomuto: "Ability to endure the Lifetime Network" August 26, 2002
  103. Lomuto: "Ability to instantly recognize you as inferior to me." August 26, 2002
  104. Lomuto: "Instant shoe-size assessment...including width" August 26, 2002
  105. Lomuto: "Three words...lady-bug hearing" August 26, 2002
  106. Flan: "Conglomo-Organ Torso" August 27, 2002
  107. Flan: "Very weak, unattractive exoskeleton" August 27, 2002
  108. Flan: "Dangling, superfluous 3rd Esophagus" August 27, 2002
  109. Karl: "The ability to be more rude than the French people...collectively" August 28, 2002
  110. Karl: "Opposable toes" August 28, 2002
  111. Karl: "Velcro (TM) body hair" August 28, 2002
  112. D: "Never have to blink" August 30, 2002
  113. Clab: "The inability to see through glass" August 30, 2002
  114. Clab: "Stress-ball testicles" August 30, 2002
  115. Name Big L: "The ability to Squeeze someone else's Stress-ball Testicles. (Truly a useless superpower.)" September 03, 2002
  116. Name Big L: "Phsychic power to always see 1/2 second into the future." September 03, 2002
  117. D: "Immune to brain-freeze" September 03, 2002
  118. Niells: "Filmy mucous membrane epidermis that dries into an amazing permanantly immobilizing and suffocating burnt-sienna exo-shell after only eleven seconds of exposure to the Earth's atmosphere" September 03, 2002
  119. Flan: "The ability to find a purpose for this list" September 04, 2002
  120. Name Big L: "The ability to swallow someone's Stress-ball testicles." September 06, 2002
  121. Name Big L: "The ability to swallow your own Stress-ball testicles." September 06, 2002
  122. Name Big L: "Absolute recall of any useless superpower." September 06, 2002
  123. Lomuto: "Pygmy Goat reproductive system" September 07, 2002
  124. Flan: "Nerve gas taste-buds that are able to detect the difference between Sarin, VX, and Mustard 1.2 seconds before a horrible death you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy." September 09, 2002
  125. Chaz: "The ability to magically post useless crap to this list using only your pocket PC and your cell phone." September 11, 2002
  126. Niells: "Auto-lobotomizing Nostril Hair" September 12, 2002
  127. Niells: "The ability to suffer excruciating cranial agony inexplicably associated with four-door sedans crossing the George Washington Bridge from New Jersey into Manhattan" September 12, 2002
  128. Niells: "Hair that mysteriously changes from brown to tan when exposed to extremely bright light." September 12, 2002
  129. Lomuto: "Instant recall on the airspeed velocity of both an African and European swallow" September 13, 2002
  130. The Showdown is 25 : "The ability to subsist off of your own bellybutton lint." September 14, 2002
  131. Andrew: "Cattle-prod Penis" September 14, 2002
  132. Niells: "The miraculous ability to spontaneously recite the intimate history of any Scottish Clan, in Laoatian, but you don't speak Laoatian." September 23, 2002
  133. Name Big L: "A homo-sexual only penis on your forehead,...boy, that would sure suck ass." September 25, 2002
  134. Clab: "Chicken Teriyaki Ear Wax" October 01, 2002
  135. Name Big L: "The ability to urinate at 3000psi only." October 01, 2002
  136. Flan: "Uselessly overpowered 6-cylinder, dual overhead-cam, and automatic transmission on your 'hands free' wedgie removing device (reverse setting can be useful for proper suppository insertion to avoid embarassing slip out)" October 02, 2002
  137. Niells: "The ability to perform an oil change on your car using only your lips." October 30, 2002
  138. Flan: "The ability to transform a common acorn into a hortizygote testical creature" August 27, 2003
  139. Flan: "A Thorough Sense of Vitreous Humor" September 04, 2003
  140. Name Big L: "Turning butter into margerine. Copyright 2003 by Louis Doiron, Jr. All Rights Reserved." November 03, 2003
  141. Flan: "The ability to be so uptight that your colon turns coal into Mequite flavored charcoal brickettes" December 09, 2003
  142. Name Big L: "The ability to remove other people's understanding of the 10lbs of Shit Rule." February 13, 2004
  143. Niells: "The ability to spontaneously contract chlamydia at any clam-bake (in August)." February 26, 2004
  144. Name Big L: "The ability to remember your useless super power(s) in times of undisputable confusion and blow rainbow bubbles out your ass." September 26, 2004
  145. Name Big L: "The ability to understand Esoterum, esoterocity, esoteristacity and the serious esoterious esoteromius matters." May 19, 2005
  146. Name Big L: "Sensing ordinariness in the most common place objects." June 09, 2005
  147. Name Big L: "Automatic recall of the difference between stalagmites and stalagtites." June 13, 2005
  148. Name Big L: "Turning Voids into Space" June 14, 2005
  149. Flan: "10,000 pounds of ass-thrust" June 17, 2005
  150. Niells: "Inhumanly precise body tempurature at an unbelievably unwaivering 98.609723442450982904639769607135217689437400194097 degrees Farenheit during periods of prolonged good health" June 22, 2005
  151. Niells: "The ability to thwart any useless super-hero's useless super-power" June 22, 2005
  152. Hebazz: "America" June 23, 2005
  153. Name Big L: "Precise thermometrical readings with any hand digit involving rectal insertion." June 28, 2005
  154. Niells: "The ability to sleep soundly to the sound of wild pigs throwing down with starving hairless cats from the big city" July 18, 2005
  155. Karl: "The ability to conceive the unconceivable" July 18, 2005
  156. Karl: "Super magnetic hemoglobin" July 18, 2005
  157. Karl: "Transparent epidermis and dermis." July 19, 2005
  158. Niells: "Unusually opaque epidermis stretched over a particularly translucent dermal layer." July 25, 2005
  159. Niells: "This incredibly esoteric ability that, while staggeringly amazing, is neither discernable nor describable in terms comprehensible to man." July 25, 2005
  160. Name Big L: "Automatic static cling hair able to trap numerous balloons." July 25, 2005
  161. Flan: "This incredibly esoteric ability that, while staggeringly amazing, is neither discernable nor describable in terms comprehensible to man." February 3,2007