Rules of Life

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  1. Niells: "Everything is Relative" August 21, 2002
  2. Niells: "Nothing is Not Relative" August 21, 2002
  3. Niells: "Nothing is Relative" August 21, 2002
  4. Niells: "Never Jump Into the Middle of a Conversation" August 21, 2002
  5. Flan: "Just becuase it says edible, does not mean it is edible" August 22, 2002
  6. Flan: "Everybody needs to believe something, I believe I'll have another beer." August 22, 2002
  7. Niells: "No matter how legal you make their trade, all prostitutes are criminals." August 22, 2002
  8. Name Big L: "No man is an island, but I am my own ecosystem." August 22, 2002
  9. Name Big L: "Change your underwear regularly, first, inside-out." August 22, 2002
  10. Name Big L: "Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time...except amputees, they only put their pants on one leg, or wear no pants and tie their shirt into a knot at the bottom of their abdomen." August 22, 2002
  11. Name Big L: "Fat girls really aren't worth it." August 22, 2002
  12. Name Big L: "Never ask a Taxi Driver to go the short way." August 22, 2002
  13. Name Big L: "The circus is the best place to pick-up chicks with hair and muscles." August 22, 2002
  14. Name Big L: "Shake, rattle and roll!" August 22, 2002
  15. Niells: "There's no sense in crying over spilled milk, unless you slip in it and break your head." August 22, 2002
  16. Niells: "Guns don't kill people; bullet holes kill people." August 22, 2002
  17. Niells: "Never buy Champaign by the bottle at a cabaret." August 22, 2002
  18. Niells: "Every time you kill a sailor, someone lights their cigarette with a candle." August 22, 2002
  19. Niells: "If you can think of it, someone has done it. (This includes wiping your ass with a loaf of bread.)" August 22, 2002
  20. Niells: "Cold capsules have a pleasant tasting gelatin coating for a reason." August 22, 2002
  21. Niells: "I feel happy." August 22, 2002
  22. Name Big L: "French Fries are rarely imported." August 22, 2002
  23. Name Big L: "Just when you think you have it figured out...Invariably a giant mucous coated pink worm with poisonous barbs wriggles and wraths up your throut and spills out of your mouth and nests in your lap arousing you in its fluid motion and pricks your yahoozy with the venom barbs causing your teeth to fall out and your eyes to go blind and your entrails to shoot forth and as your brain slowly begins to ooze out your nose and the pain begins to concede to death, you realize that YOU SHOULD HAVE WASHED YOUR HANDS!" August 22, 2002
  24. Name Big L: "I'm getting better." August 22, 2002
  25. Name Big L: "It's only a flesh wound." August 22, 2002
  26. Name Big L: "She didn't make love, but she made good sandwich." August 22, 2002
  27. Name Big L: "When in doubt, coax someone else into making the less sound decision and see what happens." August 22, 2002
  28. Name Big L: "There's no sense in crying over a broken head, unless the cause was a slip in spilt milk." August 22, 2002
  29. Name Big L: "Esoterum is the opiate of The Guys." August 22, 2002
  30. Name Big L: "Never trust a man named Horton, especially if he's proudly displaying his victory scalps in public. NEVER." August 22, 2002
  31. Name Big L: "Sometimes people can be really good friends, until they have bad breath." August 22, 2002
  32. Name Big L: "Never ask a Yankee...(fill in the blank)" August 22, 2002
  33. Niells: "Lubrication, Alot." August 22, 2002
  34. Hebazz: "YOU WILL ALL FACE THE SCORN OF ALLAH" August 23, 2002
  35. Flan: "Jihaad, always" August 23, 2002
  36. Flan: "'The Tuba Solo' heals" August 23, 2002
  37. Flan: "If you don't like people, rest assured people don't like you." August 23, 2002
  38. Flan: "A name doesn't say it all, unless that name is wheelchair or horse-face" August 23, 2002
  39. Flan: "If you can eat the most Dirt, you'll always be on top" August 23, 2002
  40. Flan: "Even if you can speak with the animals don't: they're FUCKING ANIMALS" August 23, 2002
  41. Flan: "Three of Shit is Shit" August 23, 2002
  42. Flan: "Kyle Dirt Diggers are the darndest dirt diggers that EVER dug dirt" August 23, 2002
  43. Flan: "Remember that you used to barely be able to afford a cup of tea - without milk or sugar or tea" August 23, 2002
  44. Jack Handey: "If you ever fall off the Empire State Building go limp, like a dummy. Somebody might try to catch you because, hey, free dummy" August 23, 2002
  45. Flan: "If a woman says you have a nice butt once, your butt will remain nice for eternity" August 23, 2002
  46. Flan: "A cow tongue is a useful and hilarious prop" August 23, 2002
  47. Niells: "A picture is worth a thousand words, but a picture of two gorgeous women and their mutual vaginal suck-a-thon is worth as much as $1.25" August 23, 2002
  48. Niells: "Milling around with hundreds of your peers atop piles of your own fecal matter which you and your friends have spread lavishly across Thomas Jefferson's head and shoulders is for the birds." August 23, 2002
  49. Niells: "Getting your ass kicked by a drunk woman is both sad and emasculating (From the 'is both sad and emasculating' series)." August 23, 2002
  50. Niells: "With the obvious exception of snot, raw oysters are quite possibly the most snot-like matter that human beings are willing to consume." August 23, 2002
  51. Niells: "Is paying for her cab ride home really paying for the cab ride, or is it paying for sex? What about those two cheeseburgers? And the big wad of Czech Crowns?" August 23, 2002
  52. Niells: "Never sleep in a public doorway under a discarded Christmas tree in Amsterdam on New Year's Eve while wearing a suit and dress shoes that are very bad for running." August 23, 2002
  53. Niells: "Don't drink alone unless you prefer to be by yourself." August 23, 2002
  54. Name Big L: "But I'm tired. I been walkin' all day." August 24, 2002
  55. Name Big L: "Friends cheer your on. Good Friends help you. Best Friends point out the myth that high altitude jumps turn your arms into wings." August 24, 2002
  56. Name Big L: "Never ask an Arab the way to the Vatican." August 24, 2002
  57. Name Big L: "Give a man a brillo pad and he'll clean your car with it." August 24, 2002
  58. Name Big L: "Sometimes it is better to let good people think badly of you than to really piss em off." August 24, 2002
  59. Name Big L: "The funniest thing you can say to an Arab is, Hey, how 'bout that Sept. 11th thing." August 24, 2002
  60. Name Big L: "In the land of the blind, the man with the half-German Shephard - half-Rottweiller seeing eye dog is dictator." August 24, 2002
  61. Name Big L: "Walk softly, so you don't accidently trigger the C-4 taped to your chest." August 24, 2002
  62. Name Big L: "Give a man a fish and he'll undoubtedly ask for tarter sauce and chips." August 24, 2002
  63. Name Big L: "Teach a man to fish and he'll try to sell you one." August 24, 2002
  64. Name Big L: "There's no business like show-business, except maybe for the guys who clean port-a-poties. Man, they got it made." August 24, 2002
  65. Name Big L: "When I'm on my death bed, I want all my loved ones to gather round me and tell me how they really feel. Then I'll write my will and cut all those bastards out. Unless I'm poor then I'll just die pathetically." August 24, 2002
  66. Flan: "All women have snakes in their heads" August 27, 2002
  67. Niells: "When the boarder patrol asks if you are an American citizen, avoid saying 'Ohhhhh Si, Sontine!'" August 27, 2002
  68. Niells: "Knock Knock; Who's there?; Ammonia.; Ammonia who?; Ammonia little boieey!" August 27, 2002
  69. Niells: "Opium is the opiate of opium addicts." August 27, 2002
  70. Flan: "A pipe gives a wise man time to think, and a fool something to stick in his mouth" August 28, 2002
  71. Karl: "What kind of milk was it Jack Daniels?...Everclear??" August 29, 2002
  72. Karl: "Southern Comfort is a misnomer." August 29, 2002
  73. Karl: "Everything this man says is a lie. (Man): I'm lying." August 29, 2002
  74. Karl: "Martinis are like is not enough and three is too many!" August 29, 2002
  75. Name Big L: "Some things in life are better left unsaid, like those waking dreams I have of the girl with auburn hair and sparkly green eyes that laughs at me and calls me fat-boy and tells all my friends I'm a loser and that my penis is really, really small and how I like to tape myself to the regrigerator door while she makes egg-salad sandwiches. Yeah, things like that are better left unsaid." September 02, 2002
  76. Name Big L: "Go NASCAR!" September 02, 2002
  77. Name Big L: "If you see an amazingly beautiful woman all alone, its probably because she doesn't want to talk to you." September 02, 2002
  78. Name Big L: "Never do a handstand in a pig sty." September 02, 2002
  79. Name Big L: "The best thing to do in a possible fight situation is to flap your arms and cluck like a chicken. This will skillfully coax your opponent into standing still like a cow, then you can tip him over and run away a hero." September 02, 2002
  80. Niells: "The English are too many!" September 03, 2002
  81. Niells: "Thank fire you're naked." September 04, 2002
  82. Hebazz: "May you dance forever on the flaming eyeballs of Satan!" September 04, 2002
  83. Flan Connery: "Your best?!? Your best will get us killed. Losers always whine about doing their best; winners go home and fuck the Prom Queen." September 06, 2002
  84. Flan: "French people have outrrrraaageouuussssss accents" September 06, 2002
  85. Name: Confidential: "Knock Knock. Who's there? Baker. Baker who? Bluuggghhhh (the sound of extensive, uncontrollable vomitus)" September 06, 2002
  86. A Goat: "Ben Hicklin, I love you" September 09, 2002
  87. Flan: "Wet it, wipe it, good night." September 06, 2002
  88. Name Big L: "The first time you fall in love is like receiving a proper and expensive invitation to a Gala. In kind you R.S.V.P. promptly and at the party you flatter your host with accolades and praises regarding everything from her dress to the hors d'oeuvres. After a wonderful night of dancing and chatting and giggling you quickly find yourself alone with the hostess. After you both undress and consumate your innermost feelings and desires toward each other. Ahh, love. When you call upon her the next day, she, unfortunately, is not at home. And when you don't receive a second invitation you start to wonder, maybe she was killed in the study with a candlestick. And finally after diligently tracking down all her close relations and inquiring as to her whereabouts, you realize that probably she doesn't want to risk her heart against unspeakable imaginings should your love for her prove untrue. Regardless off you go, saddened but cliched with 'that not to have loved at all.'" September 06, 2002
  89. Name Big L: "The second time you fall in love is like when you received a birthday party invite in elementary school. Chances are they don't really know you, would have felt bad about not inviting you and really just want more presents. So you go, give her a cheap gift (under $5.00) eat her cake, play spin the bottle and return home tired." September 06, 2002
  90. Name Big L: "The third time you fall in love, you meet at a party, find the hostess' room, do it and call it a night." September 06, 2002
  91. Name Big L: "What the hell was that all about." September 06, 2002
  92. Name Big L: "Only lonely guys like me add astounding insights this late at night." September 06, 2002
  93. Name Big L: "Sometimes psychos have all the fun. Well, only if you think that flirty little whore in the shower deserved it." September 06, 2002
  94. Name Big L: "If I'm reincarnated, I want to come back as me. That way I won't worry about missing out and just go ahead and pee any old time I feel like it, just like watching reruns." September 06, 2002
  95. Name Big L: "Sometimes I wonder if good looking people have friends or if maybe I'm just ugly." September 06, 2002
  96. Name Big L: "The best way to cheer yourself up is to think how well-off everyone else you know is, how happy they are, how accomplished, etc. That way you can think of even more ways to torture everyone when you're supreme dictator. " September 06, 2002
  97. Name Big L: "Happiness is that warm bubbly feeling you get after you've ate the last piece of pie in the fridge." September 06, 2002
  98. Name Big L: "I never knew a man so able to concentrate so scarcely on such an unthinkable level, and yet retaining the very intrinsic values shared and implied by the depth of his remarkable insights during such long and incredibly expanding ideas generated solely by the mere coincidence of recurring themes and dogmas while allowing virtually everything to go without further analysis." September 06, 2002
  99. Flan: "'Do you like Melissa Etheridge, Edie Brickell and the new Bohemians, Bonne Raitt and gay dance music?' 'No, no, no, and double NO!' 'Are you willing to tolerate the aforementioned music if she's very good at oral sex?' 'Uhhhh…' He's got me. 'Yeah, sure, I admit.'" September 09, 2002
  100. Niells: "One man's trash is another man's reason to hate him and his old washing-machine, 50's Chevy pick-up, weed and chicken-wire surrounded shack." September 09, 2002
  101. Niells: "Goats are good for one thing, and it's not 'paramedic'." September 09, 2002
  102. Kevin Fowler: "Ya'll are all Damb Dumn." September 09, 2002
  103. Zazou: "Southern Comfort is the piss of satan." September 09, 2002
  104. Niells: "The world: she's-a flat-a like-a your head." September 12, 2002
  105. Clab: "Who needs creativity when you can just get drunk." September 14, 2002
  106. Clab: "My dog is fucking awesome." September 14, 2002
  107. Andrew: "If nuclear holocost can't kill roaches, why can the Orkin Man?" September 14, 2002
  108. Niells: "We are all descendants of monkeys and germs." September 15, 2002
  109. Clab : "Don't have sex with Clay." September 15, 2002
  110. Karl: "Amendment IX---The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people." September 16, 2002
  111. Karl: "Amendment X-----The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people." September 16, 2002
  112. Niells: "We can't all just get along because some of you suck." September 17, 2002
  113. Lomuto: "It's time for men of this world to band together in an effort to make the world more accepting of the career that we all really star. Fight the opression!" September 20, 2002
  114. Flan: "Rise up against the Vaginarchy" September 23, 2002
  115. Flan: "Leave Alabama to the Alabamians (this is for your own good)" September 23, 2002
  116. Flan: "Despite the fact that the bar's seemingly interesting clientele consists of a hooker and two gay, hispanic males, your evening will turn somewhat sour when you learn new meanings for the term 'Well, I'll be dipped in shit.'" September 23, 2002
  117. Clab: "No matter what, women will or do suck" September 24, 2002
  118. Niells: "What women will suck or do, no matter" September 24, 2002
  119. Name Big L: "After careful observation and lengthy study, it can be shown that 99 out of every 100 men fail to meet a woman's expectations of totally willing subservant dog boy slave. This is also the cause of most relational problems amongst couples ages 16-105." September 25, 2002
  120. Name Big L: "If she told you exactly what was on her mind, you might not make a drastic mistake that pays big for her in your making-up exploits." September 25, 2002
  121. Name Big L: "What she really means is 'I've got you by the balls now you stupid pathetic tit of a man.'" September 25, 2002
  122. Name Big L: "What will do? No women suck or matter!" September 25, 2002
  123. Flan: "No woman, no suck, no do, no matter." September 26, 2002
  124. Name Big L: "No, no, no, no. Do women will suck matter!" September 30, 2002
  125. Clab: "With the Shark away the Seal will play" October 01, 2002
  126. Clab: "In the end it doesn't really matter" October 01, 2002
  127. Flan: "In order for the mice to play while the cats away, there must be 1) multiple mice who are intent upon playing with each other and 2) a cat. Otherwise the saying is a bit less interesting: 'Solitude washed over the mouse like a blanket of fog.'" October 01, 2002
  128. Flan: "What women often say about us: You and your friends are at the forefront of what I call 'the humor of absurdity as redefined in the post 9/11 era by twenty-something males.'" October 01, 2002
  129. Flan: "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." October 01, 2002
  130. Name Big L: "What we say about women: 'Oh yeah, she wants me.'" October 01, 2002
  131. Name Big L: "To play, a delusional mouse needs only itself." October 01, 2002
  132. Niells: "You haven't lived until you've made out with a girl who came from the ball sack of a guy who came from Alan Shepherd's balls." October 13, 2002
  133. Niells: "Poor women, they don't have any friends. Poor men, they're a little bit ugly." February 06, 2003
  134. Flan: "My First Favourite Sign: Use of Deadly Force Authorized." August 04, 2003
  135. Flan: "My Second Favourite Sign: Not Responsible for Broken Windshields." August 04, 2003
  136. Flan: "My Second Favourite Sign: Not Responsible for Broken Windshields." August 04, 2003
  137. Niells: "Wear your flack jacket with front and rear ballistic interceptor plates, and DUCK!!!" September 05, 2003
  138. Flan: "The one that's labelled, is done so incorrectly" October 14, 2003
  139. Flan: "Its persistence thats the key to being annoying" October 22, 2003
  140. Flan: "Its persistence thats the key to being annoying" October 22, 2003
  141. Flan: "Its persistence thats the key to being annoying" October 22, 2003
  142. Name Big L: "My ball sack hangs longer in summer." October 28, 2003
  143. Name Big L: "Never be somebody's filler" October 29, 2003
  144. Flan: "Life is so much better when you love somebody more than you love yourself." November 05, 2003
  145. Name Big L: "Choose that somebody wisely." November 06, 2003
  146. Niells: "I love you! I love you!" November 14, 2003
  147. Flan: "Its persistence thats the key to being annoying" November 19, 2003
  148. Flan: "Its acceptable to love one of your personalities and have it count as another person." November 19, 2003
  149. Flan: "Never try to fit 10 pounds of shit into a 5 pound bag" January 06, 2004
  150. Flan: "In fact, its best just to avoid trying to put that 10 pounds of shit anywhere other than where it fell." January 06, 2004
  151. Flan: "Do not attempt to collect 10 pounds of shit ." January 06, 2004
  152. Flan: "Let's just combine the last few rules into The 10 Pounds of Shit Rule." January 06, 2004
  153. Name Big L: "A foolish man collects 10 Pounds of Shit. A wise man walks around. Copyright 2004 by Louis Doiron, Jr. All Rights Reserved." February 13, 2004
  154. Niells: "Wise shit weighs eleven pounds." February 18, 2004
  155. Name: "thomas roden" February 23, 2004
  156. Name: "thomas " February 23, 2004
  157. thomas: "roden" February 23, 2004
  158. thomas: "roden" February 23, 2004
  159. Niells: "Welcome Thomas Roden!" February 26, 2004
  160. Flan: "Thomas Roden, please refer the instruction manual before further attempts at posting." April 02, 2004
  161. Name: "jack" September 18, 2004
  162. Me: "Who the hell or what is Thomas Roden?" September 22, 2004
  163. Jack: "Me Off!!!!--Please!!!!!!!!!!!!" September 22, 2004
  164. Crystal: "love" October 03, 2004
  165. reverenddogman: "small change can often be found under seat cushions" October 04, 2004
  166. pablo: "Astounding Insight" October 08, 2004
  167. Name: "Astounding Insight" October 10, 2004
  168. (@@) ^Top: "Hello All- Did you miss me? " October 23, 2004
  169. (@@) ^Top: "The bottom is not always the best spot" October 23, 2004
  170. (@@) ^Top: "The bottom is not always the best spot" October 23, 2004
  171. Felicia: "You can't trust everybody" November 10, 2004
  172. connery: "Astounding Insight" November 13, 2004
  173. scott: "Astounding Insight" November 13, 2004
  174. Kevin: "Games" November 30, 2004
  175. Traci: "Astounding Insight" December 09, 2004
  176. Trsci : "Krienert" December 09, 2004
  177. andrew: "Astounding Insight" December 13, 2004
  178. Name: "What does it mean when your eye jumps?" December 21, 2004
  179. HalfAwake: "The good thing about being wrong is it makes others happy." December 31, 2004
  180. Name: "Astounding Insight" January 11, 2005
  181. mabel lopez: "it has taught me that i never have to my self down" January 11, 2005
  182. Felicia: "Astounding Insight" January 12, 2005
  183. sarah: "Astounding Insight" January 20, 2005
  184. bryce: "Astounding Insight" January 26, 2005
  185. helen: "Astounding Insight" January 26, 2005
  186. teresita: "enjoy live" February 21, 2005
  187. Felicia : "always trust in god" March 03, 2005
  188. weimer: "Astounding Insight" March 17, 2005
  189. august: "Astounding Insight" March 26, 2005
  190. veronica: "Astounding Insight" April 06, 2005
  191. iosman: "U.S.Citizens are brilliant until they open their mouth" April 11, 2005
  192. crystal: "Astounding Insight" April 12, 2005
  193. Robert: "Astounding Insight" April 22, 2005
  194. Tyler Riley: "This name is flucking GAY!!!" April 22, 2005
  195. Levi Smith: "Don't trust mr. Campball" April 22, 2005
  196. Name: "Astounding Insight" April 22, 2005
  197. Name: "Astounding Insight" April 22, 2005
  198. smart: "Astounding Insight" May 13, 2005
  199. Big L: "Most people don't understand esoterum." May 19, 2005
  200. Name Big L: "Everyonce in a long while I get excited about something good, but then it goes sour. The other times I just don't get excited." May 25, 2005
  201. Name Nancy: "Astounding Insight Jesus Christ died for my sins" May 30, 2005
  202. Name Rev. Tinsley: "Astounding Insight Jesus Christ died for my sins." May 30, 2005
  203. Name Thomas: "Astounding Insight" June 07, 2005
  204. Big L: "Jesus Christ died for everyone's sin. The mercy seat of Cavalry is for both the Jew and Gentile." June 09, 2005
  205. Name Big L: "Never Rub a Dub with a Dub a Rub" June 13, 2005
  206. Name Big L: "The Wowie and Zowie are the two highest forms of exclamation." June 14, 2005
  207. Niells: "Randy Constan is my personal hero!!! What's whith the cross-eyed stare?" June 21, 2005
  208. Name Big L: "Astounding insights are useful only if you're very very careful." June 28, 2005
  209. Name Big L: "Randy Constan is useful only if you're very, very careful." June 28, 2005
  210. Name Big L: "Randy Constan is an Astounding Insight" June 28, 2005
  211. Name Big L: "People are like turds. Some bunched together for warmth, others lying ontop of each other, dear companions, and yet some are solitary objects, always without company, lying in the grass, waiting to be stepped on." June 29, 2005
  212. zowie: "Astounding Insight" September 07, 2005